The reality of duality (2023)

 

 

"To the parent who would try to shush my tongue:

I am not your enemy.

Your denial of who I am in this diagnosis will not increase your children’s chances of obtaining what it is they require.

I am not the obstacle to their care.

To the Autistic adult who would try to shush my tongue:

I am not your enemy.

You haphazardly gloss over my grievances because you think the addition of my experience is the erasure of your own.

I am not the obstacle to your advocacy."

-Tiffany Hammond of Fidgets and Fries and NY Times best selling author of "A Day With No Words," shared online on the 26th of April in 2023.

The statement above, shared recently by Tiff of Fidgets and Fries, sliced deeply to the core of my soul, as they could have come from my own mouth and/or keyboard. Not just during the April commemoration of #AutismAcceptanceMonth/#AutismAwarenessMonth, but all year long. This is the anthem of those of us who exist in the both/and categories rather than the either/or. We are the unseen, unheard, unacknowledged autistic autism parents...those of us who have one or more autistic children in addition to being autistic ourselves.

I've mentioned this issue before, as have other autistic parents. It's a lonely and sometimes frustrating role to be in. We fit in nowhere. The non-autistic autism parents often don't "get" us, and the autistic adults who aren't parents of autistic children don't fully relate to us either.

We occupy a seemingly obscure blend of identities that the world cares little about. And unfortunately, our existence is often treated as a nuisance.

What hurts most is that #ItBeYourOwnPeople who do it to you - #autism parents, #ActuallyAutistic adults, and sadly even providers/professionals/researchers and allies in the field as well. Those with whom we are supposedly "in this together." Presumably, we're on the same "side."

And yet...

You subject us to undeserved erasure and toxicity every. D@mn. Day.

Why?

We are dealing with nearly the EXACT same challenges as you, plus additional ones you can’t even fathom. What makes you think we can endure more than what’s already on our overflowing figurative plates?

Then you wonder why there’s “so few” of us in the “community.” It’s because you drive us out. And not just those of us who are autistic parents, either.

There is so much harm being done to neurodivergent and other disabled people of the Global Majority, and most of y’all just let it continue. You have EVERY excuse in the world for these (ongoing, pervasive, and egregious) wrongs, while we are held to an impossible standard of perfection.

I don't know why I’m even addressing this. But maybe it will get through to someone. Maybe it will cause somebody to stop and think for a moment, or maybe change.

One can dream, right?

Even if it’s merely a Harlem-esque “dream deferred” in reality?

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Recommended citation: Giwa Onaiwu, Morénike. (28 April 2023). The reality of duality. Just Being Me...Who Needs "Normalcy," Anyway? [Personal essay.] https://www.whoneedsnormalcy.com/