Sometimes (2024)

Though my life certainly “ain’t been no crystal stair,” it also hasn’t been the worst life.

I’ve endured numerous challenges, but I’ve also had many blessings.

I’ve had (and have) problems, but privileges too.

Yet it is just so hard, sometimes.

Sometimes past hurts overwhelm me in the present.

Sometimes the fruit of my choices yields bloody emesis.

Some days my words are venomous spikes.

Sometimes I can’t undo the mistakes

Or unsay the careless remarks

Or unsee the damages.

I’m supposed to be grateful, be gracious 

But sometimes I am tired of the fluctuations in my head

The aching in my body

The patches on my scalp

And the broken relationships 

The missed opportunities 

The time I can’t unwind or retrieve 

The triggered trauma responses 

And the unhealthy yet inherent need to try to “keep it together”

Because I can’t fathom the alternative. 

Sometimes I wish my children had a sane mother

Instead of having a broken one

Whose arrested development will never be healed

Who epitomizes wasted potential 

And sows destruction and discord

Such a loss; such a shame.

But since this is the one life I was given

I'm going to live it

Even when things are hard

Even when I feel void and purposeless

Gutted, broken, lost.

I'm here. I'm still here.

And the sun does shine through the clouds

Sometimes.

Recommended citation: Giwa Onaiwu, Morénike. (2024). Sometimes. Just Being Me...Who Needs "Normalcy," Anyway?